Today i was thinking, my life is kind of at a very pleasant balance right now. Except now that i started a new job, i wish i have more time to do something i used to take for granted but now is what seems like a luxury to me. Like spending hours reading a book at the speed of a retarded tortoise, or watch a funny drama series. Or sit down to blog properly. Like nao.
Then i started to think if there’s anything that i regret doing, or not doing in my life. And then i realized, that the best quality (if it is counted as one at all. i always feel slightly ashamed whenever i run a self-reflection upon all my recent doings. I think that i am below the average of “human niceness”. Being mean and jealous and self-centered and all. Just completely fail to qualify moral excellence.) of me is that i hardly ever look back and feel regretful of the actions i have taken or the decisions i have made. I just make them and no matter what the outcome is, good or bad, i just move on.
Oh ya i just found another (sort of) virtue within myself. I’m (sort of) protective of natural resources. I (sometimes) refuse to use plastic bags and i often recycle (my clothes) and scold people for smoking etc.
Anyway, that’s another story. Speaking of regrets, i guess the reason why i hardly have any regrets is due to the fact that i mentioned in the beginning of this post. That i find my life rather balanced right now. I won’t use the word perfect, because it is not. But yea, i can’t complain about it, but i think that there’s room for improvement.
I have made some horrible decisions in the past, but none of them contributed to the misery i’m experiencing right now, not like i have any to begin with. PMS is agony but it’s not my fault (not entirely true. It’s my womb’s fault therefore it is part of my fault, FML.). Maybe if i didn’t make those horrible decisions i won’t even be who i am right now (which i’m kinda happy with). For example, i have dated countless assholes. One cheated on me. Another one still owe me so much money my heart bleeds at the thought of it. And i suspect my passport went missing because he stole and sold it so he could get some quick money. True story. I have given some good thoughts about public humiliation, but never mind that. I believe karma will take care of it one day. I just wait. Do i regret having ever dated them? Yes. Does having dated them make me miserable right now? No. Once awhile i think of it and i go, “bloody hell, i hope that asshole gets fat and ugly and herpes”. But it doesn’t really affect me right now. When i was 16 my first crush dumped me for the school belle, and i was utterly crushed (is that why crush is called crush?) and i regretted not being nicer to him etc (stupid, stupid, stupid, i couldn’t be any nicer even if i tried to, really). And half a year ago i found out on Facebook that he’s married to the school belle and they have a kid now and i went FML. But when i think of it again, i was so glad that i didn’t end up marrying him because i could very well be an ugly huang lian po who doesn’t know what a blog is and is changing smelly nappy right this second. FHL and unFML.
So i think most of the regrets are temporary. They don’t affect you forever. Unless you have like, only one leg now because one day you ate some expired mentaiko that triggered an allergy on your left eye that resulted in you losing sight for 5 second driving on the road and thus got you involved in a freak accident and lost one leg. Then yea, you may want to regret having eaten that expired mentaiko for the rest of your life. But other than that, most of the mess you make can be cleaned up. Or at least put back into place.
This year has been a horrible year i keep losing sight of what fundamentally makes me happy, because i keep losing. First i lost a relationship. Then i lost a (supposed-to-be) best friend. Then i lost a family member. And then i lost my dog (last ever time i’m explaining this to anyone. No i haven’t found Koyuki, and i won’t respond to this matter anymore. Topic closed.) How can i keep losing things like this? And they are not just… “things”, you know? Even so, these are not the things that can be regretted. You can’t regret death, for example. But you can be anal and regret every single trivial details in life. I didn’t treat the person good enough. I haven’t done my part enough. I hadn’t spent enough time for it. I messed up. Etc etc etc.
If people keep fussing about regrets in life they will be so damn busy man. Like, i really regret not being born as… someone famous. Like, Michael Jackson. Ok maybe not Michael Jackson. Bad example. Anyway, yea like, i really regret not being born as Angelababy. Or i regret not traveling to Hollywood and accidentally bumped into Hugh Jackman and live happily ever after. Stuff like that.
Some self-assessment keeps your conscience in check but it doesn’t mean i have to regret things that i have done. It’s already done. What’s the use of crying at spilled milk? (Oh i know, you can sit by and watch it and wait for it to curd into awesome stinky cheese wtf).
So yea, if you ask me, really? You don’t have any regrets at all? Like, at all?
Yes i do.
I think there are two biggest regrets in my life. First one cannot say because it involves somebody else’s secret. Second one is i regret not having studied overseas. I go all envious when people talked about their uni life abroad. I would assume it to be a life enriching experience for me. But it wasn’t like i had a choice back then ($$$$$$$$$$$) so yea.
But i’m sort of making it all up by traveling excessively right now.
Oh i just found a third regret. I regret not having traveled to Japan before i turn 20 so i could wear Furisode and celebrate my Seijinshiki ARGHHHHHHHHHH upset FML.
Anyway. Before i spill too much secrets and regret thereafter, let’s stop talking about meeeeeee.
What’s your biggest regret in life?