my stomach is giving me a horrible lurch and i feel my hands trembling as i type and i can’t breath something enormous and solid is stuck in my chest and i think i’m gonna throw up. i think i’m having a panic attack.

i think i really jinxed it this time.


because i think,

i think.

fuck this is hard to type. i typed and then backspaced and then typed again and then backspaced again and then i am still typing now i think i’d rather be in denial than to face the inevitable disillusion. for now.

yesterday morning i was still all positive and hopeful because Visa looks like it shouldnt be a problem since i’ve got one already. and then Thomas said i have to get a return ticket in order to re-apply for new Visa. which i then found out is impossible.

A one way back to KUL from Kansai is RM4,000 minimum. i checked and checked and checked. all airlines are about the same. Minimun 4k.

This is atrocious. It is ridiculous.

as i browsed through the rates my heart sank deeper. i started panicking and i wanted to cry. this is impossible. A one way ticket from Kansai costs more than 3 times my London return ticket. I have considered taking a cheaper flight from Kansai to maybe, HK or Manila, then fly air asia back to KL. Maybe that would be cheaper. But i couldn’t seem to find anything at all maybe because i really was panicking i kept making typos and i couldn’t concentrate and couldn’t think straight and i felt like stabbing a lamb with a blunt screwdriver.

and then i talked to TK this morning and he asked me not to go to embassy today. i said i’ve got almost everything sorted out except the flight. and he said we will talk tonight. i said i can’t talk tonight i really am panicking all i wanted is to spend Christmas with him and i can’t afford to screw up a holiday i dreamt of all my life. He wanted me to think about it again. He said tomorrow is still not too late.


i dont understand it. god i can’t stop crying now and the more i cry the more i can’t breathe.

Major shock. 

One after another. First he returned to Nara out of a sudden and i had quite a hard time coping with the absence and now i don’t know when he is coming back again. If i don’t make it to Osaka this time i think it will be March. And that’s a horrible, horrible thought and it was driving me insane. And then problem with my Visa. And then problem with the flight. And now i don’t even know if i should really go after all.

All i wanted is Christmas, i don’t care if we will be on Tokyo or Osaka or Nara i don’t think i am being very greedy. But it looks like it is not gonna happen because i think

i think.

i have a horrible feeling.

that I’m gonna return 24th to KL and hug my Christmas tree and cry alone.


i haven’t felt so shit and cried so much in a long time my eyes all puffy i think i need to lie down a bit and stop crying.