my stomach is giving me a horrible lurch and i feel my hands trembling as i type and i can’t breath something enormous and solid is stuck in my chest and i think i’m gonna throw up. i think i’m having a panic attack.

i think i really jinxed it this time.

 

because i think,

i think.

fuck this is hard to type. i typed and then backspaced and then typed again and then backspaced again and then i am still typing now i think i’d rather be in denial than to face the inevitable disillusion. for now.

yesterday morning i was still all positive and hopeful because Visa looks like it shouldnt be a problem since i’ve got one already. and then Thomas said i have to get a return ticket in order to re-apply for new Visa. which i then found out is impossible.

A one way back to KUL from Kansai is RM4,000 minimum. i checked and checked and checked. all airlines are about the same. Minimun 4k.

This is atrocious. It is ridiculous.

as i browsed through the rates my heart sank deeper. i started panicking and i wanted to cry. this is impossible. A one way ticket from Kansai costs more than 3 times my London return ticket. I have considered taking a cheaper flight from Kansai to maybe, HK or Manila, then fly air asia back to KL. Maybe that would be cheaper. But i couldn’t seem to find anything at all maybe because i really was panicking i kept making typos and i couldn’t concentrate and couldn’t think straight and i felt like stabbing a lamb with a blunt screwdriver.

and then i talked to TK this morning and he asked me not to go to embassy today. i said i’ve got almost everything sorted out except the flight. and he said we will talk tonight. i said i can’t talk tonight i really am panicking all i wanted is to spend Christmas with him and i can’t afford to screw up a holiday i dreamt of all my life. He wanted me to think about it again. He said tomorrow is still not too late.

日本へ行くためにこんなに一所懸命がんばってたのになんであたしの気持ちがわかってくれないの? 

i dont understand it. god i can’t stop crying now and the more i cry the more i can’t breathe.

Major shock. 

One after another. First he returned to Nara out of a sudden and i had quite a hard time coping with the absence and now i don’t know when he is coming back again. If i don’t make it to Osaka this time i think it will be March. And that’s a horrible, horrible thought and it was driving me insane. And then problem with my Visa. And then problem with the flight. And now i don’t even know if i should really go after all.

All i wanted is Christmas, i don’t care if we will be on Tokyo or Osaka or Nara i don’t think i am being very greedy. But it looks like it is not gonna happen because i think

i think.

i have a horrible feeling.

that I’m gonna return 24th to KL and hug my Christmas tree and cry alone.

 

i haven’t felt so shit and cried so much in a long time my eyes all puffy i think i need to lie down a bit and stop crying.

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