i have never been so worried in my entire life.

Doctor called this afternoon, and said it was Parvovirus. She only has a 50% chance of survival.

She has been hospitalized for 3 days because a few days ago she was having diarrhea and vomitted.

She had to go on drips, and i couldn’t bring her home. The second day i went to visit, she looked a lot better but was so emotional she cried when she saw me. My heart broke into a million pieces. She ate but she threw up again, so doctor said had to stay for one more day and if she’s better, i could bring her home today.

And then today.

I was so nervous yet excited to bring her back to where she feels comfortable with and never have to leave her at the cold, scary place full of horrifying howls and painful wailing of sick animals. It must have been a bloody traumatizing experience.

And when i opened the door, she just lay there. Not moving. Eyes open, but not moving. At all.

My heart stopped for a second.

And i had this really really nasty feeling in my head.

She was resting on her fav racoon toy. And to my utter horror, she didn’t seem to acknowledge me.

And my whole body chilled. I called her name, she wasn’t responding at all. She was so weak she could not even move.

I was a little angry because the vet said it wasn’t Parvovirus when they diagnosed her last night. For god’s sake they don’t even know what the hell is wrong with her.

But today they did the blood test again and her white blood cell went down from 10 to 2.

And there was nothing i could do. Except to see her suffer in pain.

She gagged and threw up. And she is now this bony body with no soul because she hasn’t eaten for days (even if she did she threw it all up) and she couldn’t even focus her eyes.

She couldn’t even look at me.

I was so horrified i wanted to pass out.

i wanted someone to stab me with whatever sharp instrument they could grab right there and then.

They moved her upstairs with 4 other Parvo puppies.

She relies solely on supportive system now. Drips, antibiotics, anti-vomit whatever. And she may die, anytime.

Every time the phone rings my heart jumps and i feel like throwing up because it could be the hospital calling and say, “Sorry, your dog just died”.

And knowing that it could bloody well happen make me all sick again.

Nobody knows what’s gonna happen to her.

And it is scary. I keep having this appalling thought that she is gonna die. What am i gonna do. I know worrying doesn’t help but that’s all i could do now.

What if she dies?

What can i do?

What will i become?

Sorry i have been sitting here for an hour but i don’t know what to type anymore. Comment disallowed because i don’t want to hear it.