Junya turned 2 months!
Which also means i have assumed the job as a mom for two months now. A job that you can never resign from until the day you die, no matter how the job sucks.
Although my employer doesn’t pay me a single cent, and would spit on me
occasionally all the damn time, i find myself quite enjoy this new job.
A lot of people also have been telling me how envious they are that i make motherhood look so effortless. Well, all i can say is that do not trust things you see on Instagram (after all, there is this deception called “filter”).
Most parents of course post only the happiest and most beautiful pictures of their baby and family, and that does not exclude me. Behind all the cute infant smiles and coordinate pictures with impossibly high heels, is a mad woman with shit hair (most of the time) wearing recycled T shirts stained with parmesan-flavored spit-up trying to reclaim a half-eaten soiled diaper from her dog’s mouth.
Unbelievable right? Instagram is the biggest liar.
Anyway, here are some of my job descriptions for the first few weeks into my new career:
- 1. Some of the days you will have to have breakfast in bed with your baby. You eat while he eats. With one hand. After that you may or may not have to wash the bed sheet.
- 2. It is a requirement to learn how to hold chopsticks with your left hand. Of which you fail, you will have to resort to go back to using big spoon. And eat like a baby.
- 3. You will have to eat half your dinner at 6pm, and then finish the rest at 10pm.
- 4. Sometimes you may have to put your baby on the dining table like a dish because that’s the easiest feeding position wtf.
- 5. You will have to brave the moments when you remove a diaper and your baby’s butt is pointing right at you.
- 6. You will have to take a quiet bath instead of a shower just so you can hear what’s happening outside your bathroom.
- 7. And when you decide to take a shower instead, you will have to turn it off at least 20 times mid shower due to suspicion of baby crying. But 99% of the time it’s just your imagination.
- 8. No job will ever require you to take off your shirt so damn often you may as well be topless all the time.
- 9. By the end of the month you will unlock the achievement of pumping, breastfeeding AND putting up make up SIMULTANEOUSLY.
- 10. Suddenly you will learn how to keep your sleeping position as stiff as a Chinese Zombie (if you co-sleep with your baby like i do. On a queen size bed. With your husband.).
- 11. Your legs are also hands.
Also i some of the 2014 Mom Problems i face:
- 12. Snap 15 burst-mode pictures, want to keep ALL.
- 13. Forever running out of memory on iPhone.
- 14. Not sure if it is your baby crying or it’s your baby crying on his grandma’s iPhone in a recorded video.
Lastly, after being in this job for two months, i also realized that:
- 15. No matter how reluctant you are, at one point you will succumb to tasting your own breast milk. I once tasted a 3-hour-old room temperature breast milk, gagged instantly and thought “my baby has been happily drinking this shit for two months?!” Now i found new respect for babies. And will stop eating durians.
- 16. Annoyingly, there’s an On-Off switch for every dad. When it is switched Off (deliberately, every single day), the dad can sleep through the fiercest murderous wail your baby make middle of the night. (Miraculously they actually can switch it back on while you are away.)
- 17. The exact same thing your baby does is so much less cute at 5am than at 10am.
- 18. The milk-coma face (i call it the Oppai-High), is nature’s way of making this nightmare called breastfeeding all bearable and worth it.
- 19. You have many more funny things to say but and you can’t recall a single thing because your post-pregnancy brian fails you. (Is that how you spell brian?)
That’s all for now.
Are you in the same job? How is it like?