Junya turned 2 months!
Which also means i have assumed the job as a mom for two months now. A job that you can never resign from until the day you die, no matter how the job sucks.
Although my employer doesn’t pay me a single cent, and would spit on me
occasionally all the damn time, i find myself quite enjoy this new job.
A lot of people also have been telling me how envious they are that i make motherhood look so effortless. Well, all i can say is that do not trust things you see on Instagram (after all, there is this deception called “filter”).
Most parents of course post only the happiest and most beautiful pictures of their baby and family, and that does not exclude me. Behind all the cute infant smiles and coordinate pictures with impossibly high heels, is a mad woman with shit hair (most of the time) wearing recycled T shirts stained with parmesan-flavored spit-up trying to reclaim a half-eaten soiled diaper from her dog’s mouth.
Unbelievable right? Instagram is the biggest liar.
Anyway, here are some of my job descriptions for the first few weeks into my new career:
- 1. Some of the days you will have to have breakfast in bed with your baby. You eat while he eats. With one hand. After that you may or may not have to wash the bed sheet.
- 2. It is a requirement to learn how to hold chopsticks with your left hand. Of which you fail, you will have to resort to go back to using big spoon. And eat like a baby.
- 3. You will have to eat half your dinner at 6pm, and then finish the rest at 10pm.
- 4. Sometimes you may have to put your baby on the dining table like a dish because that’s the easiest feeding position wtf.
- 5. You will have to brave the moments when you remove a diaper and your baby’s butt is pointing right at you.
- 6. You will have to take a quiet bath instead of a shower just so you can hear what’s happening outside your bathroom.
- 7. And when you decide to take a shower instead, you will have to turn it off at least 20 times mid shower due to suspicion of baby crying. But 99% of the time it’s just your imagination.
- 8. No job will ever require you to take off your shirt so damn often you may as well be topless all the time.
- 9. By the end of the month you will unlock the achievement of pumping, breastfeeding AND putting up make up SIMULTANEOUSLY.
- 10. Suddenly you will learn how to keep your sleeping position as stiff as a Chinese Zombie (if you co-sleep with your baby like i do. On a queen size bed. With your husband.).
- 11. Your legs are also hands.
Also i some of the 2014 Mom Problems i face:
- 12. Snap 15 burst-mode pictures, want to keep ALL.
- 13. Forever running out of memory on iPhone.
- 14. Not sure if it is your baby crying or it’s your baby crying on his grandma’s iPhone in a recorded video.
Lastly, after being in this job for two months, i also realized that:
- 15. No matter how reluctant you are, at one point you will succumb to tasting your own breast milk. I once tasted a 3-hour-old room temperature breast milk, gagged instantly and thought “my baby has been happily drinking this shit for two months?!” Now i found new respect for babies. And will stop eating durians.
- 16. Annoyingly, there’s an On-Off switch for every dad. When it is switched Off (deliberately, every single day), the dad can sleep through the fiercest murderous wail your baby make middle of the night. (Miraculously they actually can switch it back on while you are away.)
- 17. The exact same thing your baby does is so much less cute at 5am than at 10am.
- 18. The milk-coma face (i call it the Oppai-High), is nature’s way of making this nightmare called breastfeeding all bearable and worth it.
- 19. You have many more funny things to say but and you can’t recall a single thing because your post-pregnancy brian fails you. (Is that how you spell brian?)
That’s all for now.
Are you in the same job? How is it like?
You forgot to add another skill requirement: when you finally find the time to take a dump after 2 days, you immediately squeeze it all back in again when baby decides to wake up and cry 🙂
I applaud you for making this post! 😀 People tend to just string together pictures on instagram and be like ‘Oh it’s so easy to have a baby. Still can have time to post OOTD.’ lol But that really isn’t always the case right? 頑張って！
Congrats on your new job, and keep up the good work. ^__^ This really puts some perspective on things.
It’s not easy, never easy and in fact it’s going to get harder sometimes but…you’re doing a great job Momma Cheesie! In fact, it’s harder for first timer moms because it’s not like there is a guide book to tell you what to do. ‘Jiayou’ yeah! Btw, that first picture is too adorbs! 😀
*Nod Nod* Only mummies can understand.
Whenever I rant to my bff who is not a mum yet, she often says I’m too much cos she “sees” others taking care of their babies so “effortlessly”.
I told her, ” You’ve to be a mum 1st before you start judging me.” lol
touche. i used to do that too XD
Good job cheesie!!!
Superb agree on #12 – #14. Who said 16gb is enough to use. Even 64gb is insufficient!!
mine is a 64GB and i have over 10,000 photos and i still need to delete stuff -________-
Love this post! Well done for the 2 months mark.
Oh, and they like to poo/spit up/wail/tantrum just before you must leave the house for appointments. And people wonder why moms always late… @_@
yes hor!!!!!!! lol
Now I know you haven’t paid your mom a single cent!
paid her with a grandson liao XD
Watch this vid cheesie!! I think you’ll enjoy it 🙂 http://youtu.be/uu3iM1azTj4
thank you. i loved it. :’) gonna share it.
Think it is brain? Hahah
i think so hahaha
You are such a funny writer! You’re doing an amazing job juggling a baby and a blogging career!
that makes me very happy :’)
welcome to the club of motherhood! 🙂 i’m a mom of a 14 yr old teen and your post makes me smile and remember the times when i too was new to this exclusive and humbling career called motherhood. cherish every moment with your little one coz believe me, time flies sooo fast and before you know it, he’s on his way to his first day in school. 🙂
wow i didn’t expect such an audience on my blog. Thank you so much!
Love this post so much!!
Good Job, Cheesie!! 😀
lol @ number 8
thanks for letting us know about the tough side of motherhood too! and being as funny as you always are. I think it will become better once he can sleep regular hours? ADD OIL ! xo
i gave birth about a week after you, and to be honest, whenever i see your instagram pictures i would go, “how does she do it?!!” and feel like a shitty mother 😛 so thank you for sharing this post haha! now i know that it’s all normal and yes, instagram is the biggest liar. i too have been posting cute pictures of my daughter, and everyone thinks she’s so cute and calm and nice, but you and i know that’s only like 2% of the time 😉
Yea Instagram is over glorified XD
Haha…the father on-off switch is so correct. It really turned permanently off when i’m around – somehow…can even snore while i struggle with a wailing baby sometimes, at the same bed -.-” so annoying…
but…you still look very good doing it! haha…good job!
Ya lol it’s annoying right!!!
no 6 n 7 so true,especially when alone with the baby.in the next few months u will have to carry her in the toilet when u want to poo..huhu
Until today i have not mustered the balls to drink my own breastmilk. I smell it already i frown; can’t imagine myself drinking it n not liking it but yet have to swallow cuz its precious gold.
lol i have already tried that XD