And today, I found a letter in my mailbox. It isn’t for me. But i’m itching to open it.

The letter is addressed to:

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I have met JP twice and even attempted to choke him to death but no i did not dream about him like the 3 MDG girls did. And no i’m not obsessed with him and i’m most certainly sure that i’m not hallucinating (or am i?). But I received a letter that’s meant for him, which was somehow miraculously delivered to my house. I have several theories for this intriguing enigma.

1. I really don’t know nuts about my housemates. I might very well have a Channel V personality in the house who moonlights as a char kuey teow seller. (Ahahhaa which reminds me of this joke. What does Fergie say to the char kuey teow seller? Answer is “My hump, my hump my hump” HAHAHHA!) Which explains why i never see him.

2. Jonathan Putra is a name as common as Ringo Starr. Well, who hasn’t received a letter addressed to Ringo Starr before, right? Come on, it’s no big deal.

3. I must have become so completely oblivious about the fact that i’m actually so famous they mixed up the celebrities’ addresses.

4. JP fell secretly in love with me and is secretly trying very hard to gain my attention. Through very peculiar means though i must say. HAHAHHAHA!

Cheh.

No la. It’s just that anything can happen to this place i’m staying in. I don’t even know where to begin. Let me recall some of the curious incidents that have happened in this strange house.

1. The water heater incident. Refresh your memory here.

2. The times where Cheddie howls in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. Okay la howl is probably majestically exaggerated.

3. The internet connection. To put it simply, my house is almost connection-proof. No amount of expensive wireless broadband can work in this place. I already lost count of the amount of money i spent on drinks in Starsucks. Including this Tazo Tea sitting on top of my table now. I feel rather sorry for making a big fuss about it at the Maxis center earlier. And i feel rather bad for making the remark “I decided to call my future company Decent Broadband, so at least Malaysia then has one”. Now i realize it is not them. It is my house. Cuz when i use the modem somewhere else, it was smooth like Song Hye Kyo’s face.

4. The time where a dead sparrow showed up in front of the main door and was left to decompose for one whole week and nobody bothered to clean it up. Of course i’m one of those insensitive tenants deficient in good will and a sense of responsibility.

5. The time where bird feathers were scattered around the front porch as if someone had just conducted a séance with Tweety. And the cat next door looked suspiciously bloated and content.

6. The dead moth that appeared under my bedroom door this morning. It’s a sign. IT’S A SIGN!!!666

7. The withered tree.

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There’s a half-dead tree in front of my house. It’s not an uncommon sight, no. But all other trees in front of every house within the radius of 5km are all as green as… trees.

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So lush

See la! There’s something creepy about this house. Just passing by it and you could be almost certain that there’s this ogre hiding in a dark corner of the house chewing on a shin bone. It attracts bad chi. Cheesus Crust, the chi is soooo bad it kills birds, moths and trees.

Not to mention also, the house is located at an ominous T-junction, and that my bedroom has a door that is easier opened with your driving license than the regular key (i swear it’s true. I’m one strong witness myself), and that i have a landlord so calculative she might as well kill herself and be reincarnated as an abacus. (Hi there, Bill is here. Total is around 358.15. 358.15 – [15×2 rooms] divided by 3, plus 21,17 due to alan moving out on 10th this month. I shall estimate from 23rd till end of the month, 9 days, will be around 40. So if you agree with the estimation, I shall use the balance of the deposit 330 minus 130, minus 40, will left 160. Shall pass the deposit back to you on the day you move upon room condition is good [sic]. Thanks).

It’s bad fengshui! Very very bad fengshui!!! No wonder i’m feeling offended 24/7.

I need to move out by end of this week. God i hate moving. It’s one of the mafanest things to do in this world. And it doesn’t help that i’m moving from one uncertainty to another uncertainty. I feel like a naked escargot.

All i need is just a proper shelter with an acceptable reception of broadband connections. Would be good if security is tight. I don’t mind a swimming pool and a garden nearby. And if only the electricity meter is tampered. Oh British cottage wallpaper would be awesome! Ahhh looks like it’s not just a proper shelter i wanted.

I need to check in to Ritz.

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