6:19 PM

TK: 俺来週中にマレーシアに行くかも。

でも日本に帰れなくなると思う。

5 minutes
6:24 PM
me: ……

6:26 PM
me: 何が言ったらいいわからない

Just. wow.

This whole thing is an elaborated joke.

Suddenly i have this nauseating feeling all over again. Seriously. Wow. Anymore? cuz i feel like i can take anything now. tell me my great grandmother was an amoeba and i’ll probably think it makes a lot of sense.

God my life is so full of drama. why liddat one? now that the whole plan is disrupted, i dont quite know what to expect out of this. 

Strangely

It didnt affect me much. or maybe it hasn’t hit me yet. he said he will call me later for confirmation. i hate his work.

I was happy with my PS work. Then went out for a nice dinner. Then got back home. Then he called. He said really cannot make it.

I said okay.

Part of me felt strangely relieved. Very very strange. I was like. that horrible feeling in my stomach emerged again. and got stuck on my chest. couldn’t breathe. but in a strange way it was relieving.

Suddenly i thought. i dont have to spend that 4k. and that few hundred bucks on Shinkansen. And what turf the exchange rate is reaching 4.0 it is ridiculous. and i dont have to ask help from everyone i think i was being such an annoying helpless whiney desperado for the past few days. dont need to think hard for connections to pull strings. dont have to worry about letter not getting here on time. dont have to worry about visa application kena declined (and if i bought the tic already i would be double turfed). dont have to worry about it not happening. because it is not.

Wow. that’s quite a lot of worries i had, I just realized.

I feel calm. Blessing in disguise, i think to myself. i feel strangely calm. If any consolation we would be spending Christmas together. And i secretly feel comforted by the thought of it.

But then very very little part of me just… sank.

Futon jinx.

We had visions of us walking by the river in Kyoto (but later i heard the nice place is only open in summer). Going to see yakei in Osaka (maybe drink a bit because it is very very, VERY cold). And eat pork ramen. And eat fugu (! We will die together. Very romantic). And eat Mos Burger (!!!). And steal strawberries by the roadside in Nara (he said he does that all the time). And go to see Capsule’s performance in Osaka on 26th. He said he wanted to buy the ticket to surprise me because he knows i love them. 

I couldn’t wait.

But it is not happening.

I remembered having those visions too when I was with Kelvin back then. And it just didn’t happen. When you chase something too hard it just runs away.

I don’t quite know how i should feel right now but i guess i am okay. At least i am still going to Tokyo. Just he will be in Malaysia instead. The irony is overwhelming. 

but.

turf.

Christmas in

Malaysia.

again.

Thanks everyone for help anyway. Really much appreciated.