I want a gangster bestie.

April 7, 2011 in Cheese-offs

or like an Italian mafia or a Japanese yakuza.

Because i’m so sick of getting bullied all my life just cuz i am 40KG and is a girl wtf.

What a shit month it has been, and the first week is not even over yet.

First of all i aged like a million years old because it’s my fucking birth month. Then i had to fork out a large part of my saving to pay for some charges for my house. And the stamp duty alone is like five fucking thousand. Stamp duty is seriously like the most absurd fee in the world. You pay like ridiculous amount for something you don’t even understand and get ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in return. The fucking stamp better be made of sparkly moonstone and can cure brain cancer. Because clearly whoever came up with this charge is sick in the head.

Then my neighbor asked me to negotiate with my lawyer about the price cuz clearly he’s a mature grown man who probably looks authoritative and convincing so i asked my lawyer for discount and did i say I HATE BARGAINING? How can anyone like to bargain? Unless when it is a noun. I just want everything labeled with a final price, save my time, save your time, OKAY? So my developer’s asshole lawyer said NO, and i was all, really? But my neighbor’s lawyer charge him cheaper and my asshole lawyer was like, Err, NO, and i was all OK FINE and wrote her a cheque, before going to the bank’s asshole lawyer to have them con the shit out of me again.

Most of the time i don’t even know what’s going on it’s just some stupid, grown up, complicated stuff i have to do as an adult when in fact i just want to roll around in my bed playing stupid zombie and nomming raspberry flavor gummy bear and dream cupcake rainbow hello kitty fat rhinos (which some people call unicorn, but i’m a bit more realistic than that) and talk in baby voice wtf.

And then i receive a call from someone whose husband’s BMW i reversed into few days ago. Ok it was my fault. I’m a shit driver which is why most of the time i make up excuses just to avoid driving because every time i drive i’ll at least get honked 5 times and there’s a 15 percent chance someone gets a heart attack or a dent in wall or a broken mirror. I even take cabs most of the time so that i don’t endanger the lives of careful drivers around me or cause stress or became the bane of road rage in KL city. I’m considerate like that.

But okay 3 days ago the 15% chance happened. But my car was completely fine and the fella’s bigass BMW only get a TINY TINY scratch. It’s really ironic that i have to cap the word tiny because it is so tiny i actually should have typed it in font size 0.00001 but then none of you will be able to see, so. So the angry driver got down and i was all apologetic and he and his wife were like oh you gotta pay for this and i said alright i will it’s my fault and he was all SHOW ME YOUR ID and i went all Denver the Guilty Dog face and fumbled in my purse and gave them my card and ID. Which i felt totally stupid after. Then i went home feeling like shit because i felt so victimized like i just got morally raped by some rich asshole.

So then today she called me and told me the bill came up to about two thousand ringgit and i could hear myself swallow the vomit back into my stomach. I went all panicky and dunno what to do and when i put down the phone i started crying wtf. And totally made a scene on twitter wtf. But then you guys are right la the assholes are probably trying to con me (as i always kena) because i am 40kg and a single girl etc etc fuck this shit. Two thousand ringgit can paint a whole fucking car. And maybe buy him and his wife some botox and a new conscience cuz they clearly need them.

And this is not the end of my luck yet. I haven’t mentioned that my BB is completely fucked it dies like 222 times on me a day and my PC is also fucked it hangs like 444 in an hour. Ok i probably have mentioned it somewhere else but this is me mentioning it again in case i wasn’t making my point clear enough.

Oh, and tomorrow?

I was supposed to be on a plane to Tokyo and 10 hours later i will be eating the best sushi in the world and shopping in the best mall in the world. But i’m still at home. What happened? Tsunami. That is what happened. I wish tsunami dies a painful death before it goes to hell. And get flooded by…. Tsunami From hell.

And a shark just attacked me from my apartment’s swimming pool and i lost an arm.

I’m not even making all these shit up. Maybe except the last bit. But if it happens to me i would totally understand because looking at the rate my luck is plummeting, when i walk out this moment a zombie would totally defecate on my face.

So back to my first point, which i kind of already forgotten, which is to recruit a gangster/mafia/yakuza bestie. So that i won’t get bullied. At least not by human. Not very sure about diarrhea zombies.

But what the hell.

photo

Even my nail doesn’t agree with me.