Few days ago i was at a wedding with the danna. After the wedding, i texted a friend:

“Shit. I just cried at a wedding dinner. I am so freaking embarrassed!”

“Huh why??? I cry at weddings all the time! It’s okaaaay.”

“No, you don’t understand. It’s not like that.”


No, it’s not like that. Yes, love is in the air, the bride was beautiful, the groom beamed with happiness, the guests were ecstatic, the video was one of the most touching i’ve seen, but it was not that.

I cried when the third course was served.


“Huh? How bad/good was the food?” My friend asked. I then sent her a picture.

“Oh, my god, Cheesie.”


The moment i saw the food, i went dumb for a while, and i could feel tears welling up my eyes. The danna was shocked and he asked me to go to the bathroom immediately. I went and i cried for a good 5 minutes before returning lolol.

The food looked like this. (From Google. I didn’t take a picture because i couldn’t. Just couldn’t.)


Roasted Suckling Pig.

The actual one was worse, because it was dissected and they also left the four limbs on at teh side.

How could they. How could they???? IT IS STILL A BABY!!!!

Do you know why it is called a suckling pig?




A newborn piglet. A 小猪.

In my head, i had the image of a happy mommy piggy with her litter of baby piglets. They are happily suckling her for milk. And then they get all taken away from her.

There were 80 tables that night at the wedding. Meaning that 80 new born xiao zhu were taken away from their moms and roasted to a perfect crisp for the pleasure of the guests.

Noooooo. This is all too fucked up  T____T.

Soon it was all swept away from the plate, and one guest from our table started to chew on the piglet’s cheek.

I couldn’t anymore. T_____T.



Some of the roasted pork have just the meat and skin, which is ok. But i don’t understand why they must serve it as a whole? With the tiny head and chubby cheeks and pouty snout? And four little stubby trotters?

The one served on the table was as small as Junya when he was first born.

I don’t know what happened to me. I used to eat suckling pigs. Lots of them. I loved them. They are so freaking yummy.

But this mommy hormones made me an emotional crazy. Yes i eat plenty of other meats with no qualm. I can even eat a raw squid eye. But noooo. Not a baby in its full form. It’s just morally wrong.


I’m so so sorry, baby. T________T.

Actually, this was not even the first time i broke down at food. Remember i wanted to write about the Shishamo story when i announced my pregnancy?

This is the story. I was too embarrassed to publish it earlier. Written in January, 2014.


The Shishamo

The weird thing was that i had zero other symptoms besides feeling forever nauseous. There was no cup size upgrade (boooooo), no backaches, no crampings, no funny cravings, no feeling hot (in fact i was so cold i had to wrap myself in blankets all the time), and also no mood swings, (feeling like a vegetarian zombie doesn’t count, i guess).

But there was one and only incident.

So one day the danna was being really kind and was making dinner for the both of us. And then we sat down at the tiny coffee table and ate the shishamo together. Him with the wine and me sans wine.

I held one by my fingers, bit the crispily grilled to perfection shishamo in half, stunned myself to silence for about 5 seconds, and burst into tears.The danna just stared at me in shock.

To be honest it happened so abruptly that I caught myself completely by surprise, taken aback by what I found myself doing and feeling the surge of these whole sudden emotions I didn’t have the milliseconds before. The last time I wept like this was when I fell face down onto the asphalt and mashed my face. Anyway, it was like a perplexed me standing afar staring at the teary me, alongside with the equally confused husband.

“What happened?!” He asked, concerned.

“I am eating a pregnant fish!!!”

I wailed, mouth still filled with little swimming dead fish roes and half chewed skins.

He looked worried at first and then swiftly relieved and then sort of guilty at his display of relief, not knowing whether to sigh or laugh. More leaning towards a laugh but I guessed he thought the better of it.

“I’M SORRY!” I cried out loud, particularly to the half fish corpse in my mouth, I guess, and buried my teary face in my palms.

I was horrified at the realization of what kind of horribly cruel person I was and was so sure that I would be punished for it. Somebody is gonna tear me by half and eat my baby the same cruel way.

And for a moment I was unsure if I should spit everything out but the danna insisted that would be an insult to the already severed fish body, so I held it down.

And then he went on to console me like he would to a 4 year old (occasionally throwing in some rather useful lectures),  explaining the importance of food and how I needed to eat for my body and for the sake of the baby, and added that I also ate tamagoyaki and baby lambs and other cheery living stuff and it’s OKAY.

Obviously it was not OKAY and now I was only sobbing harder, thinking about nemo-looking fish and cute little lambs I have also murdered in my life.

But luckily I was also not really listening because all I could think was, WTF is this shit that just happened?!

And I knew.

God damn pregnancy hormones, that’s what. Turns you into your unborn future kid. For the drills. I guess.

And I’m sorry, shishamo. (And etc.)



So yea. The pregnancy hormones never really go away. They just turn into Mom Hormones. For the rest of your live lolol.

After the wedding, i came home, rushed to the room, hugged the sleeping Junya, kissed him and whispered,

“I will never ever let you 被卖猪仔(be taken away and sold as piglet)。I promise.”