This post was actually written a few weeks ago after Aud’s engagement but was never published because i felt nauseous by how revoltingly pathetic it sounds and then also a lot of good things happened so i thought it didn’t quite tally with the whole gleeful atmosphere and should just be a secret post buried forever but for some reason i’m totally in a self-pity mood today so here, i’m all yours to scorn at.
Which is condescending seeing how i almost teared in joy on stage just two days ago, which also tells you how temporary the kind of happiness fame and power brings you, which is also sort of the point i am trying to make in this entire blog post.
So my #addicted got engaged. I was happy for her. She’s such a great catch that even *i* would marry her. Except that our love is only… platonic and… addictive wtf. And also wtf.
It was an amazing night filled with tears, surprises and most of all, love. Everyone was emotional and i was too overwhelmed to even speak. I was just very glad and honored that i was there when it happened.
But if i have to be completely honest, i was also secretly feeling sad. For myself mostly. This is not the first time i’m involved in a secret surprise proposal. The first one was last year for Mike to propose to Wendy. It was an ultimately nerve wrecking kancheong day lol. Then this time for Tim. I knew about the proposal 2 months before it happened, because Tim asked me for her ring size to i had to pretend to look at her finger and make up some nonsense wtf. Even though i wasn’t the one who actively helped plan it, it was quite stressful to have to keep it an utmost secret for 2 months from someone i’m the closest to.
After witnessing two successful and touching proposal, i can’t even blame myself for feeling a little pathetic. Of course the question would be, what about me?
There isn’t something even tangible enough for me to visualize that happening anytime soon in my life.
Although, technically speaking, i have been proposed four times. As early as 2006. SO I WIN.
Twice from the same guy, whom i have never met before, who printed my blog pictures out and put it next to a bible. Another time was a Korean guy who asked me to marry him after having met me for four days. The last proposal WAS A PRANK. Shit my life.
You know they say third time lucky? Well, shit me again.
Achievement Unlocked: Foreveralone LVL 999
Every time i make a joke about how #foreveralone i am, i wasn’t even exaggerating. I have been eating four meals alone in a row and am totally making a big deal out of it then everybody’s like, omg how come you don’t have a boyfriend and one even offered to introduce a nice guy to me HAHHAHAHA. Ok is that how that works wtf.
This whole… heart stuff is so strange to me.
The last person whom i felt that i could pour all my unconditional love to forever, and would love me back forever, was Koyuki.
Anyway. I think that when God (if he hypothetically exists) made me, i’m pretty sure he was in a troll mood. Or high on drugs. Maybe both.
I bet he was all like, okay let’s give this girl an okay face (i don’t mean this. Or maybe that’s what he initially intended to wtf. ) and good metabolism that can burn extraordinary amount of cheese fat *stirs gene mix*, and then give her some wit *sprinkles pun powder*, and then make her famous and popular, give her enough money *drops gold*, and add some… oh wait i think this concoction is getting way too full LET’S GIVE HER A SHITTY LOVE LIFE *drains last drop of romance element out of vein*
Sorry this is really the closest i imagine God looks like.
I am totally bragging, but all these while (at least the recent years) i really have no major problems in life. i have what i think is the best job in the world, i have a few very good friends, i have no financial worries or family drama, i have a balanced social life, albeit occasionally awkward but it’s all fine. And most of all so so much freedom which i value the most, and which allows me to do so many things that normal people can’t. I honestly think i’m one of the luckiest people i know.
But i have zero luck in this whole heart stuff.
Of course i don’t mean i’m so hideous until nobody like me, i have also tried dating, but always no luck one. Can’t even be bothered to elaborate here. Seriously like, in the end i am still always #foreveralone until my handbag becomes my Plus One when i go for Porkgang dinners. It gets its own sets of cutlery. #truestory
I will always love again, but same thing will just happen until i believe Scumbag God is trying to make a point that this is, indeed, the trade off for me having an otherwise super awesome life. Now i am almost becoming an atheist of Heart Stuff.
I am sad and bitter. If possible, i would really write a letter to Scumbag God and appeal to him to re-shuffle my luck around a little. Take something else off. Less travel or less money or whatever. Give me back some heart stuff .
I wonder what rich, successful people who are happily in love worry about. I guess maybe ingrown toenails.
Maybe also, there are people who wish that they are in my position instead. I don’t know. You always want what you can’t get, right? Would anyone really trade love for something else? REALLY? I want to see hand, please?
Because to me, this whole heart stuff is really all i need now. ALL.
Shit me this post is turning more disgustingly emo than i originally intended to.
I really just wanted to let this out la. Sometimes it feels better to listen to other people having the same problem. Schadenfreude is my favorite pastime. Come, do some self-pity now. Tell me how your life sucks.
But i know la. Everyone says your time hasn’t come yet whatever whatever, good things come to those who wait whatever whatever, enjoy single life whatever whatever. Fine. Say it.
Say ALL those things!!!
PS: Anyway. My maid is coming to clean my haos tomorrow. So i’m actually not that #foreveralone. Yay me.
PS2: I should probably also start investing in cats.