Junya turns 20 months tomorrow. ^^
(Also read 1st month , 2nd month , 3rd month , 4th month , 5th month , 6th month , 7th month, 8th month, 9th month , 10th month , 11th month , 12th month , 13th month , 14th month , 15th month , 16th month , 17th month , 18th months and 19th month here.)
So let’s see what happened in the past month:
He has a lot of phrases now, one being “tonneru desu” (It’s a tunnel), because his favorite part of the boring journey to school (thanks, traffic jam in KL.) every day is passing through the tunnel. And also going through the toll with Smart Tag. Now he says “tonneru desu” all the time.
He also likes to tell himself “don’t cry” when he is crying lolol. That was cute.
He loves to ask for hugs, and goes like “mama, mama, hug, hug!“. At first i was soooo happy that he was so sweet then i found out that it’s fake because he just wants me to carry him so that he could reach areas that he could not by himself. -_-
Blow Your Nose
Junya caught a major flu bug this month T_T. Our family took turn to get sick on CNY. Firstly he was sniffling and coughing a little, then i had a full blast pleghmy chest and runny nose and the worst part was that i could not take any medicine at all. It really felt like crap T__T. And then now it’s the danna’s turn.
But for the first time he learnt how to blow his nose!!!
JunJun’s work place
We also bought him his little “work station” so he can do his coloring and stickering!
What else happened this month?
I don’t know. Honestly.
Because I haven’t been around.
This is probably the most emotional monthly update of Junya i’ve ever written. For the past couple of weeks i have been feeling so upset that I actually thought I couldn’t bring myself to write this post. But then what do you know, motherhood is not just about cuddles and laughter and cute mama&bb selfies.
I have been away half the time the past month in Japan for work. I was in Osaka for 4 days, then travelled back for 3 days, and then left again for a week to Tokyo and Tohoku.
Remember the reader me who accused me of making my son unwell by bringing him travel too much in my blog post last month? Well guess what? He didn’t travel, he got sick, and not bringing him to travel with me was the biggest mistake i’ve made as a mother.
Well bringing him together with me was not an option either since it was for work. But now i could just say to myself
Do not ever leave your son and go travel alone again.
Because i was away for just one week, and Junya was a changed person. Like, completely.
Before i left for Japan, I sent Junya back to my mom’s place with our helper. Papa was in Singapore working his ass off for the CNY rush. Both his parents were not around.
The only time i got to interact with him was through FaceTime during my work breaks.
I was in hotel rooms, outside in the snow, walking back from dinners, waving to my iPhone screen grinning like an oaf.
That was the best i could do to stay in touch with him while being away.
When i came back i thought he would be extra clingy to me, but i was wrong. He was happy to see me for like 2 minutes. And then i could not control him anymore.
Ending the night was hell. He didn’t want me to put him to sleep. He cried for a good 20 minutes, breaking away from me and just refused to let me coax him to bed. He cried to be let out of the bedroom. He even said “no no. Don’t touch.” when i tried to hug him.
My heart broke into a million pieces. He eventually fell asleep out of exhaustion. The same thing happened the next day, and the next. It felt like I don’t know how to be a mother to him anymore. It felt like i was a stranger to my own son.
I felt completely and utterly defeated.
And then a thought crossed my mind – my son doesn’t love me anymore.
I was in shock. He was never like this. He used to want to stick to me like superglue, and he would only fall asleep when i was around.
What has changed?!
I was away for one week. ONE FREAKING WEEK.
I was so sad thinking back about all the nights he used to fumble and look for me to nurse like i was his vial of life. All those time he would climb on top of my chest and sleep soundly, feeling secure.
I felt so betrayed.
All those talks about breastfeeding bonding is complete bullshit.
I nursed him for 15 months and all it took was ONE WEEK of absence to wipe it all out.
I don’t remember the last time i felt so utterly heartbroken. Probably when i was dumped by an asshole ex bf who liked another girl. Something like that. But i felt that much hurt. And i have no one else to blame but myself.
I almost regretted that i went on the work trips (even though they were really great). I don’t know if it happens to other kids when their parents are away like that. Maybe some do and they had no choice. But for me i had a choice. I could have chosen not to leave him. I could have worked less. I could have chosen to spend more time with my child.
If being away working a lot is gonna affect our relationship this much, i am honestly considering quitting my work. And i really, really do not ever want to travel without Junya anymore. What’s more with the arrival of the new baby.
Or maybe i am just extra hormonal. You can’t really tell for sure with pregnant women.
I am trying to cut down all my work now and spend as much time as i could at home to make up for it. I am trying to mend our relationship.
It is slowly getting better though. The putting him to sleep part. I realized that he has many imaginary itchy spots, he’d tell me to put medicine (Baby Muhi) for him, saying “chi chi chi” (itchy), and i’d ask him doko (where)? And he’d say “koko, koko” (here, here) pointing to a random (maybe imaginary) spot. And he’d pull my hand to scratch it for him, and then he’d slowly calm down and fall asleep.
Sometimes it takes a lot of book readings and milk bottles and distractions and songs and constant carrying from bedroom to kitchen back to bedroom back to kitchen fetching random objects… etc etc etc.
Sometimes it didn’t work and i’ll just have to let him cry a little before trying something else again.
Whatever it takes, however long it takes, i will put my baby to sleep, every night from now.
I want to be his mother again.
Cheesie, being a mom isn’t easy: kids do crazy stuff and we’re just left to figure it out. Just wanted to say I’m sure you’ll crack the case! Even if your little boy seems unhappy now, there may be a different reason, unrelated to you. Or he may learn something new from this experience, which is good, even though he isn’t happy at the time. Don’t feel bad because you did what you had to do. Parents are human beings too!
Thanks so much for the encouragement! Yes his schedule got messed up so i guess he was trying to adjust to it. He’s much much better now! 😀
I think you are a wonderful mummy and a beautiful role model for your adorable little one.
Soo, a London fan
Thank you so much Soo 🙂
Hi, Chessie! I understand you.
When i gave birth to the 2nd about 3 months ago, my son was with my mil for like full 4 days and yes he completely changed!
Especially because my mil showered him a lot of attention, toys, almost never say no to him.
The first month (when weekend, my husband brought him to mil’s house to stay over so i can rest) was really stressful for me.
My son did not listen to my words at all. And those times also i had hard time to make him nap. So tiring.He chose mil and helper over me.
But do not worry, Cheesie.. Slowly but sure, he will be back again. Jun will not forget his mama.
Now my son is quite ok already, he wants me again already. Hope Junya will soon become like before again 🙂
Congrats to your new baby!!! Omg that sounds tough. Looks like i have a lot of adjustment to make ahead!! Thanks so much for sharing, it really helped! 🙂
I understand how you feel. Although i never had to be away from my 2 boys for many days, the thought of not having them with me was heartbreaking enough that I’ve never attempted to try.
As I’m writing this comment, my husband has been away for almost a week for work, and he never been away before. It has been extremely difficult without him, psychologically. The boys and I have missed him tremendously, so much so that I am thinking to bring the boys to join him for the rest of his secondment.
I said to my husband this morning that I have regretted I’ve chose to stay put. He said he doesn’t regret it, because now he’d learned what he cannot live without.
Much love to you. You are one amazing mother and blogger. I hope the bond will soon be restored. May the year of Monkey bring you more love. 🙂
Me toooooo. We just took a night bus to Singapore so we get to be together with a family again. I think all the traveling is worth it for precious family time 🙂
Your husband is so sweet to tell you that. I’m sure you guys will be together again and spend lots of happy time together!!! 😀
Don’t worry Cheesie, I am sure Junya will attach to you like superglue again in no time! I have a boy too (who will turn 3 soon) and I adore him! I also cannot bear the thought of separating with him again. Had to twice before, once to travel to Japan with hubby and once for work. Both times were super tough and I remember crying myself to sleep at night. Sounds crazy but I am sure as a mother you will understand! It may take some time and patience but our babies remain our babies and very soon everything will be alright again! Gambatte ne!
Hahhaha so emo ah!! Yes i understand! Thanks so much for being so encouraging!
I am a mom of 18 month baby … I am alway alone also.. his dad works in Terengganu and me in KL .. seldom see each other beside whatsapp asking about our son.
The hardest part in my life is to carry him when it is raining.. looks like incredible hulk…1 arm carry him, 1 arm carrying umbrellah, handbag, other bags and groceries.. Normally I cry when I come to this situation. But 1 thing that is good that I am a survival mom. I depend on him to keep me going. I always though that is let say I become sick who would take care of my boy.
Hopefully you will also find the inner strenght. We might be just a kucai… but inside we are the monster of a green monster hehehe ….
Big hugs to you!!! I never had to experience how that feel like omg, i probably will just break down and cry also. Yes I totally agree with you! Mommies are the strongest!!
Sending love from SG to you and little Junjun! I think you’ve been a really good mumy and role model to him but don’t let the little tantruma (they hurt, I know!) upset you too much! You can do it!
Thank you!!! Just arrived in SG today and yes things are getting better! 😀
I think you are already doing your best. So don’t give up no matter what, (I don’t think you will anyway lah) because he will return to your arms.
On the weekends I work, my husband will take care of our daughter. I know for sure the following days she would be like all daddy. It pains me sometimes because I thought of her every second that I could at work. I’d be like you traitor! I CHANGED myself to be closer to you and ya ditchin me now! And I totally felt the same with bf = bond better (my bum lah). BUT I don’t care if she wants daddy or not, I WILL BE YOUR MOTHER AGAIN. So I bit the bullet like you did and continue to shower her with extra love (how is that even more possible right?). Most of the time I got her love back which is really really neat because it is. So I learnt to be patient for her to come to me. I know Junya will come to you because your love is the greatest attraction! He won’t be able to resist it 🙂
Yes yes yes, i have learnt that the only way to win their love is to spend time with that. I will never ever forget this lesson hahahha. Thank you so much for sharing :))
Sounds to me your son wants attention. He knew you were away for a period since time is not applicable for him yet. So he is trying everything to get you do things for him. His sweet revenge for you :p He seems trying to ignore you but that is his character and he actually wants his mummy and his clingy life back. You’ll see 😀
Thank youuuu! yes things are much better now after i try spending more time with him! 😀
Awww Cheesie, I know it’s hard for you but you’re doing great, Mama! Sounds like your son might be getting close to the Terrible Twos where kids are seeking independence and get kinda ornery. I think it’s ok to leave him alone once in a while – he is learning to be independent, even if it’s kinda painful as a mom to let him go.
I think so too, you are right!!! Thanks! Yes i guess we all have to go through that phase and accept it 🙂
Cheesie, ganbatte ne! You’re truly an inspiration to me! I’m a first time mom and have been reading your blog since I got pregnant last year. Junya’s growth is beautifully captured! Maybe this is a phase. Cheer up and press on! Hugs!
Congrats to you!!!! Hope for many many happy days filled with laughter for you! ^^
T__T Sayangs Cheesie.. Things are gonna be better.. Hugggs
It’s better now :D:D thank youuuu!
You’re the best mom ever! Don’t beat yourself up ok!! You rock!! ^_^
Cheesie, do update us on the potty training progress ya! Hehe thanks
I wasn’t diligent enough to do it daily so it’s like only during weekend when he doesn’t have school He still tell me pee pee AFTER he peed lolol
Something similar happened too when I had to go back to being a full time working mom when my first born was 14 months old. I was tired everyday as I didn’t work for about almost 2 years and my mom was more involved with my son than me at that time. Once he woke up and vomit and started wailing, I rushed to his room to hug him but he pushed me away and yelled from “grandma”, and he put up his arms towards her when she walked into the room. My heart broke into a million pieces that time too! I cried but I had to continue working. My mom always reassured me that its just a phase and that children always know who their mama is. True enough, not too long later, perhaps also he got mature, he is back to being mommy’s boy. No matter how long I have to work and all that time spent with grandma during the day, he only reserves his manja-ness, tantrums (lol) for me when I return home. And he always chooses me over anyone else now! and I”m still a full time working mom!
be encouraged! 😀
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